SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

41 notes

Since we both have the same interests, I feel you might be a good match for me and my book. 

Wait. Are you telling me you’re interested in Furby collecting and quiet nights watching the Home Shopping Network, too? Forget the book. I’d like to get your digits.

54 notes

Dear agent, I’m a spiritual healer and author/scribe. I was guided by Jesus to email you this, who I’ve met in person many times, while touring throughout creation together!

I’m jealous. I hear Jesus gets his tour guests killer discounts at hotels and theme parks.

27 notes

I am seeking an agent with a sense of urgency, ambition, and integrity.

Sorry, you lost me at ambition.

 

157 notes

Dear agent, first of all, let me tell you that I have applied for a copyright for my book, so I hope you will respect that.

Curses! Without a copyright I would have outsourced your book idea to India, where a team of writers would carefully plagiarize it and then hand it back over to me. After which, I would put my name on it as author and ride it to glorious bestsellerdom.

123 notes

God told me to write this book and that it would become a bestseller.

I talked to God. He said he was just fucking with you.

51 notes

I hope this submission leaves you in a condition of uncontrolled and irreversible “wow.”

Last time I was in that condition I spent the next day in a Mexican jail.

39 notes

I truly believe this book of poetry can be used by people personally, whether it’s for your wedding vows, or even just to make a crowd of guests laugh.

Yes, there’s nothing like a crowd of wedding guests howling in laughter at your wedding vows.

58 notes

Before I send you my query, I want to be certain you have relationships with editors at the biggest, most prestigious publishers in the US. Can you tell me which publishers you typically work with?

Great question! I think you’ll be impressed with this list of 6 publishers I usually work with:

  • Fred’s Heating, Air Conditioning, and Publishing
  • Simon & Rooster
  • Shmublishing Publishing
  • You Pay Us, We Publish You
  • Twerk Press
  • Scrooge House, Home of the 1% Royalty

107 notes

This work consist of seven volumes.  After you read Volume VI, you will know that the Lord has sent you the greatest writing ever written. Its sales shall succeed anything that has ever been sold in the world, even Harry Potter. You are authorized to represent my global publishing interest and all speaking engagements, etc. The Lord wants me to have a worldwide commercial publishing contract with a large cash advance.

I think you just made Jesus cry.