SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

72 notes

Dear agent, first of all, let me tell you that I have applied for a copyright for my book, so I hope you will respect that.

Curses! Without a copyright I would have outsourced your book idea to India, where a team of writers would carefully plagiarize it and then hand it back over to me. After which, I would put my name on it as author and ride it to glorious bestsellerdom.

119 notes

God told me to write this book and that it would become a bestseller.

I talked to God. He said he was just fucking with you.

49 notes

I hope this submission leaves you in a condition of uncontrolled and irreversible “wow.”

Last time I was in that condition I spent the next day in a Mexican jail.

37 notes

I truly believe this book of poetry can be used by people personally, whether it’s for your wedding vows, or even just to make a crowd of guests laugh.

Yes, there’s nothing like a crowd of wedding guests howling in laughter at your wedding vows.

56 notes

Before I send you my query, I want to be certain you have relationships with editors at the biggest, most prestigious publishers in the US. Can you tell me which publishers you typically work with?

Great question! I think you’ll be impressed with this list of 6 publishers I usually work with:

  • Fred’s Heating, Air Conditioning, and Publishing
  • Simon & Rooster
  • Shmublishing Publishing
  • You Pay Us, We Publish You
  • Twerk Press
  • Scrooge House, Home of the 1% Royalty

96 notes

This work consist of seven volumes.  After you read Volume VI, you will know that the Lord has sent you the greatest writing ever written. Its sales shall succeed anything that has ever been sold in the world, even Harry Potter. You are authorized to represent my global publishing interest and all speaking engagements, etc. The Lord wants me to have a worldwide commercial publishing contract with a large cash advance.

I think you just made Jesus cry.

98 notes

Readers of Eat, Pray, Love, Twilight, Tuesdays with Morrie,  and The Da Vinci Code will love my book.

You left out readers of Moby Dick, The Koran, and cereal boxes.

167 notes

Dear guys:
This letter is sent to most members of the AAR [Association of Author’s Representatives] simultaneously and equally because I have no time to care about everyone too deeper now.I won’t mind if you don’t reply because this letter doesn’t folloe some of yourself’s fancy principles,like a great book may means different to different ones,but I still wonder your attitude.Here are parts of my manuscript below,please reply at once if you wonder,there’s no more waiting after a week.

Kids, today I’m going to tell you about the glamorous world of being a literary agent. Get ready, because it is everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.

117 notes

I created a 59-volume sex book that contains not only my experience but all the substantive knowledge any human being could possibly think up. My Superbook will be the biggest sex book ever created in human history.

Dear President Clinton, we regret to inform you that we’ve decided to pass.