SlushPile Hell

I have never attempted to publish a novel.  As such, I have no clue about the process. Could you help me understand it?

Oh sure. I’d be happy to take time out of negotiating deals, arguing with contracts departments, working on proposals, reading manuscripts, and watching the Sarah Palin’s Alaska marathon on TLC to explain the publishing process to you. After all, it’s not like you could find that info in any of a thousand different books readily available at any bookstore or library.

Dear Esteemed Official, forthwith I am attaching my query for your keen consideration.

Dear Humble Mendicant, I stopped reading your query after the salutation, as I prefer to be addressed as “Omnipotent Potentate.”

There may be a potential for extremely large sales WORLDWIDE if professionally redesigned, corrections made, edited, expanded, updated and promoted. This may turn out to be “The Ultimate Theory of Everything” ! (I haven’t been called a crackpot yet!)

Crackpot.

What you are about to read through only 27 pages will forever change your thoughts on reality as it truly is, either now, or when it’s too late; and that is because the beginning of the end has arrived for all civilization. At this point, all publishers can either look at the potential dollar value in all that I write which makes them as the many of this world, or can view the spiritual message of their own coming destiny with concern becoming for all other human beings on this planet rather than being on self.

Really? This is how we’re going to start 2012? This is gonna be a long year.

My book is a masterpiece, magnificent and excellent novel. You could earn at least $10,000 to one million dollar from my best novel. The readers would turn the pages in pleasure to find the consequences of the story.

It’s Christmas season, so all I’m going to say is God bless your pointy little head.

Dear Honorable and Respected Literary Agent / Patron. Hope this email finds you in mesmerizing happiness and prosperity . At the outset, a triumphant privilege to be writing to you. I am emailing you my entire Poetry Book which is 607 pages as an attachment.

Obviously I’m in mesmerizing happiness and prosperity. I’m a literary agent. Duh.

Look, I have two international best sellers on my hands, you can trust me and and make lots of money or not trust me and miss out on making your career, either way, I’ve got the best seller.

Tough choice. Option A: trust you, make lots of money. Option B: not trust you, miss out on making my career. I’m going to choose Option C: suggest that you contact Kanye West—he wants his ego back. Oh, and learn some punctuation.

Ask an Agent Day at SlushPile Hell!

Dear SlushPile Hell, it seems that agents are too busy to give my query serious attention. How can I get and hold an agent’s attention?

Dear writer, excellent question. Bribes or threats usually work best, whichever suits your personal style. There’s nothing like opening a query package to find it stuffed with small bills or a hastily scrawled ransom note. Best of luck to you. 

My dream agent is Andrew Wylie, but it seems that he only handles big name authors, so I’m querying you.

This is eerily similar to the way my wife accepted my marriage proposal.

I’m writing to find out if you represent fiction. Please advise.

I guess on my agency website where it says I represent fiction, it must have been confusing to you. So thank you for allowing me to take time out of my day to answer your question. I really had nothing better to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go jam a pen into my aorta.