May 2013
2 posts
In my trophy cabinet there are yet to be literary awards of excellence. What is there is an epic quest born simply of unquenchable wonder and amazement.
You have an epic quest in your trophy cabinet? I can top that. In my wardrobe, I have an unforgettable journey into a land called Narnia.
Greetings, dear agent. It is a pleasure to connect with others who admire the written word as I do.
Oh quite the opposite. There are a lot of written words I absolutely abhor.
April 2013
4 posts
As your website states, you represent both fantasy and romance, some I am sending you my manuscript that would fit into both of those genres.
Actually, my site pretty clearly states that I don’t represent either fantasy or romance. But thanks for wasting a few minutes of my time. I appreciate it. Maybe you can send me your haiku next time.
Please. Please turn my novels into money. I possess a supreme talent. And I am no fool; I see how this has to be. With the right team behind me I could revolutionize literature and show consumers how there is still such a thing as soul in this soulless nation.
I, too, possess a supreme talent. I am able to read dozens of ill-conceived query letters each week without my head bursting into...
Now for weeks I’d tell you this is surely the last manuscript I am sending you (I truly thought so) but God said last night I was wrong because we had not reached seven (God’s perfect number), well now we have I have attached manuscript number 17, focus on the seven not one and also it has seven chapters.
Dude, go ahead and write the other 760 manuscripts. We all know that’s...
I need cooperation in aspect of proper editing, publishing to meet up good quality as well in marketing. I will so much expect your organization could consider my request to gain out of your quality and efficiency service. A quick respond from yours will be much appreciate for both of us to have breakdown.
I’m already in the midst of a breakdown. Thank you very much.
March 2013
2 posts
Dear agent, how are you? The Lord spoke to me again and instructed me to give you a continuation of the last manuscript I sent you. I did not mean to be a burden I know I said it the last time but I’ll say it again SORRY, I know I’m giving a lot of unnecessary work stay blessed. Check your attachment box.
The Lord really is getting on my nerves.
Dear agent, how are you sir? Its Prophet xxxxxx here. I’d like you to take a look at the manuscript I’ve attached to this e mail. In case you were wondering this is the twelfth I’ve sent you and I’d like us to stop here for now to allow you to work. In the not distant future if you would love to continue working with me then we will.
Reason number 965 SlushPile Hell...
February 2013
3 posts
Hi, I am seeking a literary agent to assist me with getting my book published with a major book company. My ultimate goal is to have my book published with one of the major book publishing companies, along to get my book into the major stores and bookstores. So my goal is to find a major book company.
You know what you should do? Find a major book company.
In addition to great press for the publishing brand and terrific book sales, the publisher and I would be doing truly good works; the kind “Creator, Universe, God, Love” tends to smile upon.
I just spoke with “Creator, Universe, God, Love” to make sure you’re right. Not getting a good response. I think the Big Guy is still in a bad mood after watching the Grammys a couple...
Dear agent, it’s xxxx here, the guy who sent you seven manuscripts recently. Listen I just finished another one. And note it has 19 chapters not ten after the tenth I skipped a page by mistake. Sir you are in control. do what you always do I won’t pester you. GET READY TO BE BLOWN BY THIS WORK!
You really had me hooked until the last line. I consulted with my wife, and while...
January 2013
4 posts
I intend to secure an A-list actress for my trilogy of books, specifically Keira Knightley. I intend to send Keira $150,000 to read my first two books and the synopsis for the third book. I intend to retain an entertainment lawyer to represent us, and said lawyer would write a contract for Keira Knightley and send the $150,000 via her agency. If Keira Knightley likes the books and agrees to take...
I am seeking representation I’ve been writing short stories since I was 19 I am 25 now, And I feel like it’s time to go pro. I’ve have a collection of short stories I have children’s book of 5 short stories. One that I truly believe can be a best seller. I also have an adult book of 10 erotic stories.
Bingo! Finally, an author who gets it. If there’s one thing...
I am looking for an agent to represent me in selling my ideas to publishing companies that are looking for investments. I hope children can read my stories and smile at the honest nature in which it is told. They would be a good inclusions on many bookshelf’s because the stories send positive messages. These books are many things, such as, fun to read, humorous, touches on sensitive issues,...
I have written, to my knowledge, the funniest book known to man. The problem is that I have to convince you to read it. Once you do read it, and are able to stop laughing, I am confident you will contact me immediately, desperate to represent me before anyone else does. Good luck. The clock is ticking.
Hurray. 2013 is here. Praying for the sweet release of death this year.
December 2012
3 posts
I just want my script to be read. I personally think that it’s pretty much the best screenplay ever written, but I may be biased. I have had some peers and fellow writers read it, and they all think that it’s good, albeit most aren’t as enthusiastic about it as I am. I’ll be 20 quite soon, so there’s no rush on this, but a little rush would be just fine.
In the...
i need help, i know the story that i have was never made before and it can be easily used for Holly Wood movie production. i have given a few copies to different people and had have great feed backs yet in order to get the book known to the world any author needs an agent. i read the information mentioned about you on the page and im pretty sure you totally know what you do.
Thanks for your...
I am a conservative estimator. I strongly believe that our next book will sell 100,000 if not a million copies. So my task at the moment is to find the right agent. I know the difference and at this point you will just have to take that as a leap of faith.
Yes, please do take a leap.
November 2012
3 posts
I have a 10,000 word manuscript which i would like to have published. I am trying to find an agent. My goal is to write a sequel to the book. What are my odds of finding an agent?
About the same as E.L. James’s odds of being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.
I am sorry to bother you with this but I have read a lot of opinions, Q&A, and writhing websites that still leave me scratching my head. I’m no literary master and I did not use a ghost writer, I just sat behind my PC and wrote my heart’s off.
What i want to ask is, when I find an Agent, then what? When do I pay the agent?
First of all, you are a literary master. No doubt about...
Dear Submissions Analyst, I hope you enjoy my book.
Submissions Analyst? Everyone knows I stopped referring to myself as that years ago. I now prefer Submissions Proctologist. Now please bend over, as I prepare to examine your manuscript.
October 2012
3 posts
I am 54 years old now and still writing about things which matter. How are you today?
I am generally stupid about many things most people get. You are an expert in publishing and sales, while I can’t seem to properly educate myself on industry and small talk. I am an up and comer while you are an established professional with a long list of successes.
Is this a query or a personal ad?...
I would like to share with you my story, my life which has given me a gift to write, to put in words the way to love, to truth, to honesty within oneself. It is hard to be different nowadays when work, career and things are more important than being alive and find the only way worth living - the love to oneself and whole Universe.
Option A: Take today off and get sloppy drunk
Option B: Stab...
I am a thirty seven year old multi talented artist and I am very serious about publishing my novel.
Boy, am I glad I had my extra cup of coffee and am alert this morning. I almost rejected your query until I noticed that you’re very serious about publishing. I hate it when writers are just serious. Slackers. Only the very serious need apply.
September 2012
3 posts
I am looking for a literary agent. I have attached the book. The writing is final. And I do not want it changed. Let me know if you want to take it on. It is a very good book. Very well written. Please advise.
Me not like. Your book. Your sentences much long. Have a good. Day.
At the present time my manuscript is complete as to content, not just non-fiction but an original true story that took place. However such requires that I am in the process of editing for correctness relative to the factual matter especially having episodes entailing personal matters and near death threatening experiences, also with the format, spelling and grammar.
And the winner for this...
I guess my love of writing started in second grade when Mrs. Beasley stamped a red smiley face onto my paper about my summer vacation. Then, in the fourth grade, I decided I would definitely make fiction my career of choice…
Oh, PLEASE go on. I just popped a bowl of popcorn and am all atwitter.
August 2012
4 posts
Deer agent, …
For the love of all that’s holy and good in this world, please kill me.
Dear xxx. You’re a real person. So am I. My name is [Lettuce for Brains], and I am trying to get your attention.
Move over, Ernest Hemingway. There’s a new master of brilliantly simple writing whose star is about to rise.
I would like you to consider my 60,000 word typed autobiography.
Oooh, a typed autobiography. I guess you think you’re better than all of us, Mr. Fancy Boy who types his manuscript. Hey, you’re NO better than us! Hastily scrawled crayon on discarded Big Mac wrappers works just fine, thank you very much.
You will LAUGH, CRY, STAND UP, AND CHEER! My compelling story raises the bar in human literature.
I don’t know about raising the bar, but it certainly makes me want to go to a bar.
July 2012
5 posts
Dear Mr/Ms, please consider finding a home for my three-volume series of essays.
Oh, certainly. If there’s anything that’s hot these days, it’s three-volume series of essays. I expect to have a publishing offer to you by end of day. And I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned this elsewhere, but I prefer to be known as Ms/Mr.
Well, so far I’ve sat in front of my computer trying to figure out how to start this letter to you asking for help, in need of an agent and have come up blank. So, I figured honesty is the nest policy. So here goes-I can’t write a book in a month, I can sit in front of my computer or pen and paper and go to town. There are several wonderful books in my soul trying to climb out and find their...
We lie there, panting together, waiting for our breathing to slow. He gently strokes my hair. Boy, I survived. That wasn’t so bad. I’m more stoic than I thought. My inner goddess is prostrate … well, at least she’s quiet.
Sorry. Couldn’t resist. More of The Great Gatsby Fifty Shades of Grey.
Usually I don’t pick on a writer’s actual manuscript, but I can’t resist this humdinger:
“My legs are suddenly the consistency of Jell-O. I’m so glad I decided to wear my best jeans this morning.”
Oh, my bad. That’s not from a query. It’s from Fifty Shades of Grey. You know, that series that has sold 7 million copies. Please kill me.
I have two books I would like to discuss with you over coffee at your convenience. I don’t want to start filling in forms until I think we are compatible.
Ah yes. Those dreaded “agent forms.” Unfortunately, I do have one form that I really must insist you fill out before we meet for coffee. It’s entitled, “Ten Reasons I’m Not as Clueless and Presumptuous as I...
June 2012
4 posts
My procreated writing style will give the readers two great stories for the price of one. In order to enhance my gifts as a writer, I am looking forward to being contacted from a publisher who never wants to look back after reviewing my work.
I’m going to give you two great agent tips for the price of one: 1) Please stop procreating all over the paper. 2) I can pretty much guarantee you...
The DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THIS MANUSCRIPT AND ALL PUBLISHED MATERIAL I’ve read, is this manuscript’s perspective is different and FOCUSES the reader on the one “thing” that should get as much focus as it can.
Thank you for clearly articulating how your manuscript stands apart from all others. I can’t wait to tell editors that I have a manuscript that they should give serious consideration...
Dear xxxx, let’s not waste words. I’ve attached my manuscript. Get it published.
Dear author: yes, let’s not. Bite me.
Will you represent me that my talents might be exploited to their fullest financial potential? My name is xxxxx and I have a mind of heavenly ideals. I will guide and comfort my people through the art of written word, and make my living while doing so, but I’d like your help.
Sorry, I help only those writers who have a mind of heavenly ideals…. Oh wait, you do. Never mind. Of course...
May 2012
4 posts
My only hope is to have my story read and for the reader to judge whether its merit is to be catered along the worthy and lucky enough to be published. My vision is my own and my story has been conceived in sheer passion, pits of despair and pending joy. Love cannot grow if hate didn’t exist and hope could not cling to me if denial didn’t persist.
And my only hope is to receive a query letter...
Intuitively I am led as an Author to your establishment having perused the Association of Author’s Representative website and I believe you have what it takes to meet my Publishing target. The work would have a Trade Mark, and at this Juncture I would implore you to view this as a world wide and universal presentation.
I am so glad that liquor stores open early.
Dear Mr. xxxxx, you may remember, we met not too long ago in the spirit world.
Yes, I definitely remember. You were dressed in chinos, a dapper gabardine jacket, loafers, with a manuscript in your hand. And I was running away screaming. The spirit world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
I am seeking an agent with a sense of urgency, ambition, and integrity.
Sorry, you lost me at ambition.
April 2012
3 posts
Dear agent, I have shown the below proposal to seven other agents and am waiting to hear from them. In the meantime I am sending it to you.
I’m eighth on your list? Oh joy. And here I was thinking that it really wasn’t worth getting out of bed today.
My books have become a source of inspiration for thousands of people who, having acquainted with the technologies of salvation, made many discoveries about their opportunities and received excellent results. Therefore my works are necessary for everybody in their everyday life and the study of my works until the first results doesn’t take much time.
Uh…what?
I am seeking representation for a “THREE BOOK” series…
Okay, you’re blowing my mind. Is it that you want me to think it’s three books, but it’s really one book divided into three parts? Or is it two books, the second of which has a really long appendix that could be considered a book in its own right? This is killing me….Oh wait. Never mind....
March 2012
4 posts
Hello, I am A Christian woman that recently has been lead by the Lord to write books for little childrens and teensagers. I beleive these are blessings from above and I am convinced the Lord will will lead me to the write agent/pupblisher/illustrator.
I’m no theologian, but I wonder if the Lord should first lead you to a dictionary.
I desire to seek representation for my manuscript which I profoundly state is my crown achievement from my many other bodies of works. I consistently engage in my unique style mixing fiction and nonfiction producing never ending dramatics towards each tale I create…. To further my aspirations I seek an agent (agency) that can uniquely understand my literary pursuits sharing my distinctive...
I am a student of history and an admirer of all the great writers from Melville to Mailer, Twain to Fitzgerald, and Hawthorne to Hemingway. I have studied these legends and have emulated there dexterity as I look for this novel to be my introduction to the literary world and my first step in a long career of literary prosperity.
One thing you may want to emulate is these authors’...
