January 2012
3 posts
Dear Esteemed Official, forthwith I am attaching my query for your keen consideration.
Dear Humble Mendicant, I stopped reading your query after the salutation, as I prefer to be addressed as “Omnipotent Potentate.”
There may be a potential for extremely large sales WORLDWIDE if professionally redesigned, corrections made, edited, expanded, updated and promoted. This may turn out to be “The Ultimate Theory of Everything” ! (I haven’t been called a crackpot yet!)
Crackpot.
What you are about to read through only 27 pages will forever change your thoughts on reality as it truly is, either now, or when it’s too late; and that is because the beginning of the end has arrived for all civilization. At this point, all publishers can either look at the potential dollar value in all that I write which makes them as the many of this world, or can view the spiritual message...
December 2011
2 posts
My book is a masterpiece, magnificent and excellent novel. You could earn at least $10,000 to one million dollar from my best novel. The readers would turn the pages in pleasure to find the consequences of the story.
It’s Christmas season, so all I’m going to say is God bless your pointy little head.
Dear Honorable and Respected Literary Agent / Patron. Hope this email finds you in mesmerizing happiness and prosperity . At the outset, a triumphant privilege to be writing to you. I am emailing you my entire Poetry Book which is 607 pages as an attachment.
Obviously I’m in mesmerizing happiness and prosperity. I’m a literary agent. Duh.
November 2011
4 posts
Look, I have two international best sellers on my hands, you can trust me and and make lots of money or not trust me and miss out on making your career, either way, I’ve got the best seller.
Tough choice. Option A: trust you, make lots of money. Option B: not trust you, miss out on making my career. I’m going to choose Option C: suggest that you contact Kanye West—he wants...
Ask an Agent Day at SlushPile Hell!
Dear SlushPile Hell, it seems that agents are too busy to give my query serious attention. How can I get and hold an agent’s attention?
Dear writer, excellent question. Bribes or threats usually work best, whichever suits your personal style. There’s nothing like opening a query package to find it stuffed with small bills or a hastily scrawled ransom note. Best of luck to you.
My dream agent is Andrew Wylie, but it seems that he only handles big name authors, so I’m querying you.
This is eerily similar to the way my wife accepted my marriage proposal.
I’m writing to find out if you represent fiction. Please advise.
I guess on my agency website where it says I represent fiction, it must have been confusing to you. So thank you for allowing me to take time out of my day to answer your question. I really had nothing better to do. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to go jam a pen into my aorta.
October 2011
4 posts
Before I send you my query, I want to be certain you have relationships with editors at the biggest, most prestigious publishers in the US. Can you tell me which publishers you typically work with?
Great question! I think you’ll be impressed with this list of 6 publishers I usually work with:
Fred’s Plumbing, Air Conditioning, and Publishing
Simon & Rooster
Shmublishing...
Dear SlushPile Hell clown, why do you insist on anonymity? I bet you aren’t really even a literary agent.You suck.
Oh, I’m definitely a literary agent. And I have the dwindling bank account, Grinch-like heart, and drinking problem to prove it.
GOD has asked ME to stay up all night to write this book! Sorry for the short notice, but I only just received the emergency message from GOD.
Hey, I understand completely. In 2006, when I was on my way to the shoe store to buy a pair of Crocs, God gave me an emergency message telling me I’d really regret that purchase later in life. I’m glad I listened.
Dear Sir or Madam, will you read my book?
It took me years to write, will you take a look?
I will not read your book in a house.
I will not read it with a mouse.
I do not like it here or there.
I do not like it anywhere.
I will not read your book, you see.
I will not read it, author wannabe.
September 2011
3 posts
I suspect that like me you’re a sucker for memoirs that are filled with humor and compassion.
Not really. I find compassion to be an overrated emotion.
I’m sure that these 8 chapters of this book will neither disappoint you, nor lose your time to read them, because by your decision to represent my book, you can not only earn big money, but also make great history.
Earn big money and make great history? Right. That’s what Whitney Houston told me when I decided to represent her children’s book, Crack Is Whack!, and look where that got me.
Dear Sir/Madam…
Though I’m a man and thus enjoy monster truck rallies and scratching myself, I am so pleased that someone is finally affirming my softer, feminine side. Thank you for making my day, kind author.
August 2011
5 posts
I hope you’ll represent my fictional novel.
To you and the other countless authors who refer to your books as “fictional novels,” will you please, for the love of all that’s holy and good in this world, stop it. Besides, I don’t represent fictional novels. I represent only poetic poetry, nonfictional true stories, how-to-cook-stuff cookbooks, and children’s...
Dear preferred agent/agency,…
You forgot to add the parenthetical remark, (“though not so preferred that I bothered learning or addressing you by name.”)
I have self published 3 books. But I’ve never really been good at the self-promotion thing, and I’ve been told that my books need a good editor. So, since nobody buys my books, I’m seeking a literary agent.
You little minx. You certainly know how to tempt an agent.
This will end by this being the book that every house has in their living room on the coffee table, book shelf or half open on the couch. The book every pastor and synogogue will have on display across the world. I would be sadly dissapointed if this book didn’t sell 100 billion copies in the first 5 years.
Hmmm … 100 billion copies for a world population of 7 billion. So, each and...
Authors have the humungous burden of mailing QUERY letters to agents, agents, and agents. I might be an author trying to sell a book, but I also have other tasks on my plate. I simply cannot take the time daily to spend writing agents and publishers. Given that it is 2011 and technology is sophisticated, I have chosen to put my QUERY letter on a website.
Well, far be it from me to be a...
July 2011
3 posts
I know you will love my book. I didn’t include any pages here in my query because I’d love for you to call me so that I can read an excerpt to you over the phone.
There’s nothing I love more than authors reading long excerpts to me over the phone, especially since I’m illiterate and can’t read for myself. Please stand by your phone; I’ll be calling any...
So you say you want to know the strengths of this book well they are very similar to me actually like me the book is strong ,random, ununiformed, all over the place, exciting, inspiring at times, moody ,can piss you off, can make you fall in love ,make you a best friend, help when you need it the most and help even when you say you don’t need it and just like most people call me in my life a...
I recently quit my job to become an author. As a result, I am happy to say that I now have a manuscript for your review.
Congratulations on an incredibly wise move! I always advise my new clients to immediately quit their day jobs and to go ahead and put down payments on Italian sports cars and villas in the South of France. Anything else is a negative, defeatist attitude that, quite frankly,...
June 2011
3 posts
My book is chalked full of fun to read, fast flowing stories. I believe that many people who read it, will begin writing a book of their own.
And the book they write will be entitled, Really? It’s That Easy to Get Published?
And I am the dynamic hard working creative force that born to be your next great writer. With a talent for tantalizing dialogue that lingers with catchy one liners, and adventurous moments that will get our audience members to stand up and cheer on the edge of their seats.
Dear author, I am writing to you from the hospital. I stood up on the edge of my seat and cheered when reading your...
No one can put my manuscript down and not finish reading it.
Just did.
May 2011
5 posts
My dog has written a book on how to be a success. He already has 38 Twitter followers, which is proof that this concept is going to work. I haven’t seen anything else like it in the bookstores. It will be a huge hit.
Tell your dog I’m glad that he has given so much thought to market dynamics. And as tempting as it is to sign a client with 38 Twitter followers, my dog just informed...
My writer’s group tells me that my epic novel is highly likely to land me a publisher…
I’ve read your query and sample pages, and I can give you a list of 5 things more likely to happen than your manuscript landing a publisher:
5. Rebecca Black will have a long, critically-acclaimed singing career.
4. I’ll start savoring the taste of lite beer.
3. The NY Times will...
As a realist I understand that personal feelings must always take a back seat to profit. With that in mind, I am writing various agencies searching for one and only one agent whom I feel comfortable working with.
One and only one agent? Sorry, not interested. I work only with authors who want a team of agents representing them. We call ourselves the Evil League Of Agents, and our nefarious...
Here is my query. If I don’t hear back from you by the end of the day, I’ll give you a call on the number listed on your website to discuss.
Actually, my number has changed. The new number is 1-800-INEEDADRINK.
April 2011
4 posts
The work I am introducing might as well be referred to as the Bible of the 21st century or a Bible replacement, for it teaches about life and death, it suggests proper behaviour, and yes, it is many times theoretical, although, it is fairly exempt from fables, keeping the simplicity. However, this is exactly what the Light Beings - who are the heavenly authors as regards the information included...
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be pulled up a waterfall or to be flushed down a toilet?
Hey! Have you been reading my mind?
How do you think it would be to live without emotions?
You do know I’m a literary agent, right?
….While this is a literary novel, I believe it could appeal to low-class readers.
And all the “low-class readers” will rejoice at your largess, bequeathing such a literary gift to them. I hereby nominate you as Humanitarian of the Year.
March 2011
5 posts
Dear Mr/Madam…
Thank you for recognizing and respecting the fact that I am, indeed, a hermaphrodite.
Dear Agent: You don’t shy away from gross stuff. You don’t seem to be squeamish. Perhaps you’d find a historical novel about cannibals to be of interest.
Mom, you’ve already made it clear you don’t approve of my wife’s cooking. No need to be insulting.
My writing coach told me that my novel is not yet ready to send to agents and needs more work. Could you read the attached sample chapters and tell me if you think she’s right?
I’d love to, but I’m terribly busy right now hitting myself in the head with a hammer.
Dear Slushpile Hell Scum, you think you’re so funny. I wish I knew who you were so I could come mock you and everyone in your little circle of ugliness. I’ve written a fiction novel—a GREAT novel. Do you think I’ll ever submit my manuscript to a CLOWN like you, or ANY of your fellow clown literary agents for that matter? Think again. You’re missing out on MILLIONS...
WINNERS! So, yesterday you were all honorary literary agents for the day (my apologies), and your challenge was to come up with a response to this query:
Dear Sirs: I know I am supposed to write an impressive perfect query letter to you. I don’t have that ability and I don’t have the time to learn about it.
Hundreds of responses on Twitter, most of which were along the lines of,...
February 2011
4 posts
CONTEST TIME! Come up with your own response to this brilliant query I received last week. Tweet your contest entry (be sure to use hashtag #slushpilehell). Winners announced on SlushPile Hell tomorrow!
Dear Sirs: I know I am supposed to write an impressive perfect query letter to you. I don’t have that ability and I don’t have the time to learn about it.
I write with the truth that is like a sword of two edges that can and will penetrate each reader and leave an impression lasting at least this life time. The material written has power that can unite a planet for the good of mankind and earth. It may well be the only true chance that mankind has for the long awaited evolution towards spirituality.
Dear Tom Cruise, we regret to inform you...
Hello,
First a question..Why do agents not read the entire query to understand the full matter but take the short by erroneous assumption ? ?
You’re right. After a stunning, grammatically stellar opening sentence like that, it’s hard to believe we agents would take the “short by erroneous assumption.”
I am seeking to sell my manuscript/novel to a conventional publishing house - Via representation by a fine literary agent/agency, hopefully you/yours. I am extremely pliable and open to input pertaining to re-stylization as needed. Including but not limited to revision(s) expertly suggested pertaining to content modification intent for purpose of enhanced marketability.
I/We regret to...
January 2011
5 posts
I just completed my 91st short story. But that’s not the email I wanted to send to you. To the point, I concede (read—Uncle! ). I don’t possess the luck required to attract an agent via query letter. But, then, I know brilliant scholars who are terrible test takers. You are a talented agent, likely overworked. Think outside the box. A single talented writer possessing eight uniquely...
I hope you enjoy my manuscript. In the beginning it is going to be hard for you to read as it’s fairly slow, but stay with it because the end will encourage you.
I hope you’re in the sales profession, because your sales skills are out of this world!
I am sending this letter to a slew of literary agents and, frankly, I imagine that many of them will not even read this far. Anyhow, here is my proposal to garner your interest and attention: I propose that I write a short story for your perusal, something in the neighborhood of 15,000 to 25,000 words in length. Here, however, is the interesting angle I’m trying to work. I will write what you...
Not that I would compare myself to Hemingway, but if you read my novel, you’ll see that it’s as brilliantly simple as The Old Man and the Sea, as poetic as The Sun Also Rises, and as epic as For Whom the Bell Tolls.
Well, at least you didn’t compare yourself to Hemingway.
I am typing you this digital letter requesting that your agency represent me in securing a top-notched publisher to produce and sell my book.
Hey, buddy. It’s 2011. We no longer call them “digital letters.” They’re now known as “mystical airwave bulletins.”