I took the liberty and sent you my 446 word precis a few minutes ago. Enclosed is my 10 page pitch. Please have a read of it. Mystery-adventure story, suspense, a drama. Commercial ficiton and literary fiction.The story has an intelligence to it. Mr. Netanyahu needs to read this novel, to be truthful. He could learn a few things.The world…could learn a few things. There isn’t a book on the market like it out there. Not in the last year or the last five years. The last 20 years.
I’ve taken the liberty of sending your manuscript to Netanyahu. I’m sure it will move to the top of his reading list, right past 10 Easy Steps to World Peace.
Hello, agents. This e-mail announces an auction of two blockbuster suspense thriller manuscripts. Both of these copyrighted manuscripts are easily compatible with novel, screenplay of other formats. The winner of this auction will own the rights to pursue these manuscripts in any format—novel, movie, interactive video game story, TV, etc., in every nation on the Earth. That is a potential market in the billions.
You’re auctioning your manuscripts to agents? Since no author in the history of publishing has tried that approach, that should go really well.
SlushPile Hell held a contest on Twitter back in 2010 for Worst Children’s Book…Ever. We had more than 1200 entries, because apparently people have nothing better to do than dream up hilarious children’s book titles. Well, just because these entries and winners still bring me a chuckle and help me forget the daily horror that is my life, I figured it was time to repost them. Here is the winner and the top 25 list.
Our WINNER was: @MJsRetweet: Daddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s Congrats to @MJsRetweet!
And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:
@SmolderingInk: The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink
@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody
@harleymaywrites: Is Angelina My Mommy?
@C_Spaghetti: Where the Wild Thongs Are
@Janet_Reid: The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids
@AVgrl: Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell
@KateHaggard: Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand
@SarahEGlenn: The Secret Pot Garden
@Smolderingink: Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang
@Prettyandi: Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies
@Shelltex: Math Will Make You Ugly
@Juniperjenny: The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool
@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story
@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)
@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone
@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More
@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty
@KarlShoemaker: Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway
@Tobywneal: Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)
@SarahEGlenn: You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens
@GeneDoucette: Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon
@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us
@EliasSerulle: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning
@LynneKelly: Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits
As a realist I understand that personal feelings must always take a back seat to profit. With that in mind, I am writing various agencies searching for one and only one agent whom I feel comfortable working with.
One and only one agent? Sorry, not interested. I work only with authors who want a team of agents representing them. We call ourselves the Evil League Of Agents, and our nefarious plan for world domination is coming along quite nicely, thank you.
If you will check with Amazon Books or Barnes & Noble Bookstore there isn’t much competition for this specific book. This is the FIRST book that tells you exactly how to write a book.
The first book on how to write a book? Terrific. If you really want to get rich, I’ve got a few other suggestions on themes that have never been written about. You could be the FIRST to write about these:
Religion of any sort
Stories that are fictional
How to write a query letter (actually, this topic may have been covered. If so, you may want to read one of these books.)
Have you ever wished you had represented the author of the Holy Bible and placed it with a publisher? With the Bible being the best selling book ever written over the last 2,000 years, the revenue it would have generated for your agency and employees would have allowed your agency to exist for generations. While I don’t have a religious manuscript, I do have one I believe is as important as the Bible which has the sales potential of the Bible.
No, I don’t wish I had represented the author of the Bible. I suspect that God would be a really high-maintenance client. And, by the way, thanks for having such a humble opinion of your work. You and Kanye West should become BFFs.
May I know how to submit the same for your kindly perusal?
Well, let’s see. Since my website clearly states how to submit queries, and since my website also clearly states I don’t represent science fiction, I’ll be happy to take time to spell it all out for you. I’ve nothing better to do.
Just send the manuscript (preferably scrawled in chicken blood in the margins of old issues of Boy’s Life magazine) to the following address: Andrew Wylie, The Wylie Agency, 250 W. 57th St., NY NY 10107. Can’t wait to receive it! Be sure to call often to check on the status of my kindly perusal.
This is to inform you that I happen to have pen-ed a book, a near-about 200-paged book.
And, I will be more than honored if your good-self will, at-least, bother to notice my efforts.
I am willing to send you the thorough book through e-mail itself, for your kind perusal, however, please assure me a mere statement that my book-work will be kept utmost confidential and secure by your good-self.
My good-self assures you that your book-work will be kept utmost confidential…apart from sharing it with SlushPile Hell readers for a cheap laugh.
I am writing a book on the secrets to becoming a trillionaire. It is about how one can make a trillion dollars. I am the best person to write the book because of my personal experience.
So you have personal experience with becoming a trillionaire and you’re going begging for an agent? Tell you what. I’ll fire all my other authors, and become your personal agent, available at your beck and call. I also make a mean omelet and give great back rubs. Retainer fee: a measly one million a year. Chump change to you.
Please. Please turn my novels into money. I possess a supreme talent. And I am no fool; I see how this has to be. With the right team behind me I could revolutionize literature and show consumers how there is still such a thing as soul in this soulless nation.
I, too, possess a supreme talent. I am able to read dozens of ill-conceived query letters each week without my head bursting into flames.
Now for weeks I’d tell you this is surely the last manuscript I am sending you (I truly thought so) but God said last night I was wrong because we had not reached seven (God’s perfect number), well now we have I have attached manuscript number 17, focus on the seven not one and also it has seven chapters.
Dude, go ahead and write the other 760 manuscripts. We all know that’s where this is heading.
I need cooperation in aspect of proper editing, publishing to meet up good quality as well in marketing. I will so much expect your organization could consider my request to gain out of your quality and efficiency service. A quick respond from yours will be much appreciate for both of us to have breakdown.
I’m already in the midst of a breakdown. Thank you very much.
Dear agent, how are you? The Lord spoke to me again and instructed me to give you a continuation of the last manuscript I sent you. I did not mean to be a burden I know I said it the last time but I’ll say it again SORRY, I know I’m giving a lot of unnecessary work stay blessed. Check your attachment box.
Dear agent, how are you sir? Its Prophet xxxxxx here. I’d like you to take a look at the manuscript I’ve attached to this e mail. In case you were wondering this is the twelfth I’ve sent you and I’d like us to stop here for now to allow you to work. In the not distant future if you would love to continue working with me then we will.
Reason number 965 SlushPile Hell readers should be looking at my life and saying, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”
Hi, I am seeking a literary agent to assist me with getting my book published with a major book company. My ultimate goal is to have my book published with one of the major book publishing companies, along to get my book into the major stores and bookstores. So my goal is to find a major book company.
You know what you should do? Find a major book company.
In addition to great press for the publishing brand and terrific book sales, the publisher and I would be doing truly good works; the kind “Creator, Universe, God, Love” tends to smile upon.
I just spoke with “Creator, Universe, God, Love” to make sure you’re right. Not getting a good response. I think the Big Guy is still in a bad mood after watching the Grammys a couple nights ago. Frank Ocean’s performance made him lose a little more hope in humanity.
Dear agent, it’s xxxx here, the guy who sent you seven manuscripts recently. Listen I just finished another one. And note it has 19 chapters not ten after the tenth I skipped a page by mistake. Sir you are in control. do what you always do I won’t pester you. GET READY TO BE BLOWN BY THIS WORK!
You really had me hooked until the last line. I consulted with my wife, and while she’s a very loving, supportive agent’s wife, she’s not cool with this. Sorry.
I intend to secure an A-list actress for my trilogy of books, specifically Keira Knightley. I intend to send Keira $150,000 to read my first two books and the synopsis for the third book. I intend to retain an entertainment lawyer to represent us, and said lawyer would write a contract for Keira Knightley and send the $150,000 via her agency. If Keira Knightley likes the books and agrees to take the role within our time frame, then she keeps the $. If not, she returns the $.
I have a better idea. Send me $150,000 to read your first two books. If I like the books, I’ll keep the $. If I don’t like the books, I’ll still keep the $, but occasionally I’ll have pangs of guilt over it.
I am seeking representation I’ve been writing short stories since I was 19 I am 25 now, And I feel like it’s time to go pro. I’ve have a collection of short stories I have children’s book of 5 short stories. One that I truly believe can be a best seller. I also have an adult book of 10 erotic stories.
Bingo! Finally, an author who gets it. If there’s one thing that publishers are desperately looking for these days, it’s children’s book authors who also write erotica. (Note to self: contact E.L. James to tell her about my goldmine idea for a 50 Shades of Grey coloring book.)
I am looking for an agent to represent me in selling my ideas to publishing companies that are looking for investments. I hope children can read my stories and smile at the honest nature in which it is told. They would be a good inclusions on many bookshelf’s because the stories send positive messages. These books are many things, such as, fun to read, humorous, touches on sensitive issues, and are relevant to today.
And as a bonus, they’re full of grammatical errors that astute kids can discover and laugh about with their friends.
I have written, to my knowledge, the funniest book known to man. The problem is that I have to convince you to read it. Once you do read it, and are able to stop laughing, I am confident you will contact me immediately, desperate to represent me before anyone else does. Good luck. The clock is ticking.
Hurray. 2013 is here. Praying for the sweet release of death this year.
I just want my script to be read. I personally think that it’s pretty much the best screenplay ever written, but I may be biased. I have had some peers and fellow writers read it, and they all think that it’s good, albeit most aren’t as enthusiastic about it as I am. I’ll be 20 quite soon, so there’s no rush on this, but a little rush would be just fine.
In the spirit of Christmas, God bless your pointy little head.
i need help, i know the story that i have was never made before and it can be easily used for Holly Wood movie production. i have given a few copies to different people and had have great feed backs yet in order to get the book known to the world any author needs an agent. i read the information mentioned about you on the page and im pretty sure you totally know what you do.
Thanks for your vote of confidence, but actually, I’ve never really been able to figure out what I do. I know it has something to do with books … or chickens … no, it’s definitely books. I think.
I am a conservative estimator. I strongly believe that our next book will sell 100,000 if not a million copies. So my task at the moment is to find the right agent. I know the difference and at this point you will just have to take that as a leap of faith.
I am sorry to bother you with this but I have read a lot of opinions, Q&A, and writhing websites that still leave me scratching my head. I’m no literary master and I did not use a ghost writer, I just sat behind my PC and wrote my heart’s off.
What i want to ask is, when I find an Agent, then what? When do I pay the agent?
First of all, you are a literary master. No doubt about it. So stop selling yourself short. Second, I’m glad I haven’t stumbled upon any writhing websites. Sounds like hell. Third, you pay the agent when you send your query letter. So once I receive your payment, preferably in small, untraceable bills, I will be happy to respond to your query.
I am 54 years old now and still writing about things which matter. How are you today?
I am generally stupid about many things most people get. You are an expert in publishing and sales, while I can’t seem to properly educate myself on industry and small talk. I am an up and comer while you are an established professional with a long list of successes.
Is this a query or a personal ad? Either way, I’m spoken for.
I would like to share with you my story, my life which has given me a gift to write, to put in words the way to love, to truth, to honesty within oneself. It is hard to be different nowadays when work, career and things are more important than being alive and find the only way worth living - the love to oneself and whole Universe.
I am a thirty seven year old multi talented artist and I am very serious about publishing my novel.
Boy, am I glad I had my extra cup of coffee and am alert this morning. I almost rejected your query until I noticed that you’re very serious about publishing. I hate it when writers are just serious. Slackers. Only the very serious need apply.
I am looking for a literary agent. I have attached the book. The writing is final. And I do not want it changed. Let me know if you want to take it on. It is a very good book. Very well written. Please advise.
Me not like. Your book. Your sentences much long. Have a good. Day.
At the present time my manuscript is complete as to content, not just non-fiction but an original true story that took place. However such requires that I am in the process of editing for correctness relative to the factual matter especially having episodes entailing personal matters and near death threatening experiences, also with the format, spelling and grammar.
And the winner for this year’s Most Redundant, Boring, and Pointless Opening to a Query Letter is…
I guess my love of writing started in second grade when Mrs. Beasley stamped a red smiley face onto my paper about my summer vacation. Then, in the fourth grade, I decided I would definitely make fiction my career of choice…
Oh, PLEASE go on. I just popped a bowl of popcorn and am all atwitter.
I would like you to consider my 60,000 word typed autobiography.
Oooh, a typed autobiography. I guess you think you’re better than all of us, Mr. Fancy Boy who types his manuscript. Hey, you’re NO better than us! Hastily scrawled crayon on discarded Big Mac wrappers works just fine, thank you very much.