Dear agent, first of all, let me tell you that I have applied for a copyright for my book, so I hope you will respect that.
Curses! Without a copyright I would have outsourced your book idea to India, where a team of writers would carefully plagiarize it and then hand it back over to me. After which, I would put my name on it as author and ride it to glorious bestsellerdom.
This work consist of seven volumes. After you read Volume VI, you will know that the Lord has sent you the greatest writing ever written. Its sales shall succeed anything that has ever been sold in the world, even Harry Potter. You are authorized to represent my global publishing interest and all speaking engagements, etc. The Lord wants me to have a worldwide commercial publishing contract with a large cash advance.
Dear guys: This letter is sent to most members of the AAR [Association of Author’s Representatives] simultaneously and equally because I have no time to care about everyone too deeper now.I won’t mind if you don’t reply because this letter doesn’t folloe some of yourself’s fancy principles,like a great book may means different to different ones,but I still wonder your attitude.Here are parts of my manuscript below,please reply at once if you wonder,there’s no more waiting after a week.
Kids, today I’m going to tell you about the glamorous world of being a literary agent. Get ready, because it is everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.
I created a 59-volume sex book that contains not only my experience but all the substantive knowledge any human being could possibly think up. My Superbook will be the biggest sex book ever created in human history.
Dear President Clinton, we regret to inform you that we’ve decided to pass.
I have contacted you as I wish to request two things of you.
1) If you could read and give me a review plus a rating on the basis of ‘5 stars’ about what you think of this book. (It is only 20 page long and takes less than 1 hour to read)
2)If you could guide and reference me towards finding the right publishing company that would launch this book worldwide.
Thanks for making this easy. Your 20-page book gets my review of 0.0009 stars! I laughed. I cried. I went for a long walk on the beach afterward to reflect on my mortality. I don’t want to be hasty in suggesting the right publishing company. I’ll get back to you on that.
I want find US Literary Agencies. I want make this Movie publishing in the world. I want find Distributor or Publicist & People to Investment. After any profit give me 20% that if agree they can make and publishing. Please inform detail when if start made movie.
I have read or glanced through some of the books you have agented over the last few years and we are impressed by the quality and focus of some of them whose lines and harmonics challenge the descriptive resources of language. It appears to us that your publishing focus has a different angle, which does not consider the book purely as an object, a physical construct of paper, cardboard, cloth, ink and glue.
Dear Mom and Dad, you were right. I should have been a doctor.
I am searching for a literary agent. I know nothing about publishing, other than I have always held the belief that one should get paid for what one has written. This is a rough draft, in need of some editing. As I understand it, that is what you do.
I took the liberty and sent you my 446 word precis a few minutes ago. Enclosed is my 10 page pitch. Please have a read of it. Mystery-adventure story, suspense, a drama. Commercial ficiton and literary fiction.The story has an intelligence to it. Mr. Netanyahu needs to read this novel, to be truthful. He could learn a few things.The world…could learn a few things. There isn’t a book on the market like it out there. Not in the last year or the last five years. The last 20 years.
I’ve taken the liberty of sending your manuscript to Netanyahu. I’m sure it will move to the top of his reading list, right past 10 Easy Steps to World Peace.
Hello, agents. This e-mail announces an auction of two blockbuster suspense thriller manuscripts. Both of these copyrighted manuscripts are easily compatible with novel, screenplay of other formats. The winner of this auction will own the rights to pursue these manuscripts in any format—novel, movie, interactive video game story, TV, etc., in every nation on the Earth. That is a potential market in the billions.
You’re auctioning your manuscripts to agents? Since no author in the history of publishing has tried that approach, that should go really well.
SlushPile Hell held a contest on Twitter back in 2010 for Worst Children’s Book…Ever. We had more than 1200 entries, because apparently people have nothing better to do than dream up hilarious children’s book titles. Well, just because these entries and winners still bring me a chuckle and help me forget the daily horror that is my life, I figured it was time to repost them. Here is the winner and the top 25 list.
Our WINNER was: @MJsRetweet: Daddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s Congrats to @MJsRetweet!
And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:
@SmolderingInk: The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink
@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody
@harleymaywrites: Is Angelina My Mommy?
@C_Spaghetti: Where the Wild Thongs Are
@Janet_Reid: The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids
@AVgrl: Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell
@KateHaggard: Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand
@SarahEGlenn: The Secret Pot Garden
@Smolderingink: Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang
@Prettyandi: Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies
@Shelltex: Math Will Make You Ugly
@Juniperjenny: The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool
@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story
@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)
@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone
@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More
@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty
@KarlShoemaker: Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway
@Tobywneal: Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)
@SarahEGlenn: You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens
@GeneDoucette: Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon
@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us
@EliasSerulle: One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning
@LynneKelly: Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits
As a realist I understand that personal feelings must always take a back seat to profit. With that in mind, I am writing various agencies searching for one and only one agent whom I feel comfortable working with.
One and only one agent? Sorry, not interested. I work only with authors who want a team of agents representing them. We call ourselves the Evil League Of Agents, and our nefarious plan for world domination is coming along quite nicely, thank you.
If you will check with Amazon Books or Barnes & Noble Bookstore there isn’t much competition for this specific book. This is the FIRST book that tells you exactly how to write a book.
The first book on how to write a book? Terrific. If you really want to get rich, I’ve got a few other suggestions on themes that have never been written about. You could be the FIRST to write about these:
Religion of any sort
Stories that are fictional
How to write a query letter (actually, this topic may have been covered. If so, you may want to read one of these books.)
Have you ever wished you had represented the author of the Holy Bible and placed it with a publisher? With the Bible being the best selling book ever written over the last 2,000 years, the revenue it would have generated for your agency and employees would have allowed your agency to exist for generations. While I don’t have a religious manuscript, I do have one I believe is as important as the Bible which has the sales potential of the Bible.
No, I don’t wish I had represented the author of the Bible. I suspect that God would be a really high-maintenance client. And, by the way, thanks for having such a humble opinion of your work. You and Kanye West should become BFFs.
May I know how to submit the same for your kindly perusal?
Well, let’s see. Since my website clearly states how to submit queries, and since my website also clearly states I don’t represent science fiction, I’ll be happy to take time to spell it all out for you. I’ve nothing better to do.
Just send the manuscript (preferably scrawled in chicken blood in the margins of old issues of Boy’s Life magazine) to the following address: Andrew Wylie, The Wylie Agency, 250 W. 57th St., NY NY 10107. Can’t wait to receive it! Be sure to call often to check on the status of my kindly perusal.
This is to inform you that I happen to have pen-ed a book, a near-about 200-paged book.
And, I will be more than honored if your good-self will, at-least, bother to notice my efforts.
I am willing to send you the thorough book through e-mail itself, for your kind perusal, however, please assure me a mere statement that my book-work will be kept utmost confidential and secure by your good-self.
My good-self assures you that your book-work will be kept utmost confidential…apart from sharing it with SlushPile Hell readers for a cheap laugh.
I am writing a book on the secrets to becoming a trillionaire. It is about how one can make a trillion dollars. I am the best person to write the book because of my personal experience.
So you have personal experience with becoming a trillionaire and you’re going begging for an agent? Tell you what. I’ll fire all my other authors, and become your personal agent, available at your beck and call. I also make a mean omelet and give great back rubs. Retainer fee: a measly one million a year. Chump change to you.
Please. Please turn my novels into money. I possess a supreme talent. And I am no fool; I see how this has to be. With the right team behind me I could revolutionize literature and show consumers how there is still such a thing as soul in this soulless nation.
I, too, possess a supreme talent. I am able to read dozens of ill-conceived query letters each week without my head bursting into flames.
Now for weeks I’d tell you this is surely the last manuscript I am sending you (I truly thought so) but God said last night I was wrong because we had not reached seven (God’s perfect number), well now we have I have attached manuscript number 17, focus on the seven not one and also it has seven chapters.
Dude, go ahead and write the other 760 manuscripts. We all know that’s where this is heading.
I need cooperation in aspect of proper editing, publishing to meet up good quality as well in marketing. I will so much expect your organization could consider my request to gain out of your quality and efficiency service. A quick respond from yours will be much appreciate for both of us to have breakdown.
I’m already in the midst of a breakdown. Thank you very much.
Dear agent, how are you? The Lord spoke to me again and instructed me to give you a continuation of the last manuscript I sent you. I did not mean to be a burden I know I said it the last time but I’ll say it again SORRY, I know I’m giving a lot of unnecessary work stay blessed. Check your attachment box.
Dear agent, how are you sir? Its Prophet xxxxxx here. I’d like you to take a look at the manuscript I’ve attached to this e mail. In case you were wondering this is the twelfth I’ve sent you and I’d like us to stop here for now to allow you to work. In the not distant future if you would love to continue working with me then we will.
Reason number 965 SlushPile Hell readers should be looking at my life and saying, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”
Hi, I am seeking a literary agent to assist me with getting my book published with a major book company. My ultimate goal is to have my book published with one of the major book publishing companies, along to get my book into the major stores and bookstores. So my goal is to find a major book company.
You know what you should do? Find a major book company.