SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

29 notes

And I am the dynamic hard working creative force that born to be your next great writer. With a talent for tantalizing dialogue that lingers with catchy one liners, and adventurous moments that will get our audience members to stand up and cheer on the edge of their seats.

Dear author, I am writing to you from the hospital. I stood up on the edge of my seat and cheered when reading your story’s adventurous moments, and I of course tipped the chair and got a severe concussion. I will get back to you in two weeks when I’m out of intensive care.


156 notes

My dog has written a book on how to be a success. He already has 38 Twitter followers, which is proof that this concept is going to work. I haven’t seen anything else like it in the bookstores. It will be a huge hit.

Tell your dog I’m glad that he has given so much thought to market dynamics. And as tempting as it is to sign a client with 38 Twitter followers, my dog just informed me that he has started writing a dystopian young adult novel, so I’m going to lean that direction.

25 notes

SlushPile Hell named one of Writer’s Digest's “101 Best Websites for Writers”! (and, coincidentally, named one of  Sucky Writers Magazine's least favorite websites).

SlushPile Hell named one of Writer’s Digest's “101 Best Websites for Writers”! (and, coincidentally, named one of  Sucky Writers Magazine's least favorite websites).

41 notes

My writer’s group tells me that my epic novel is highly likely to land me a publisher…

I’ve read your query and sample pages, and I can give you a list of 5 things more likely to happen than your manuscript landing a publisher:

5. Rebecca Black will have a long, critically-acclaimed singing career.

4. I’ll start savoring the taste of lite beer.

3. The NY Times will proclaim Snooki’s next novel to be, “a subtle triumph, richly textured… a transformative work that makes us glad to be literate.”

2. Glen Beck will be featured in the next P90X infomercial.

1. Harold Camping will be right about May 21

10 notes

Here is my query. If I don’t hear back from you by the end of the day, I’ll give you a call on the number listed on your website to discuss.

Actually, my number has changed. The new number is 1-800-INEEDADRINK.

21 notes

The work I am introducing might as well be referred to as the Bible of the 21st century or a Bible replacement, for it teaches about life and death, it suggests proper behaviour, and yes, it is many times theoretical, although, it is fairly exempt from fables, keeping the simplicity. However, this is exactly what the Light Beings - who are the heavenly authors as regards the information included – claim, namely, that it shall be considered as the new Bible.

Hallelujah. I’ve been waiting for a new Bible. That old one with the pesky commandments and whatnot was seriously cramping my style.

14 notes

Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be pulled up a waterfall or to be flushed down a toilet?

Hey! Have you been reading my mind?

40 notes

How do you think it would be to live without emotions?

You do know I’m a literary agent, right?

66 notes

….While this is a literary novel, I believe it could appeal to low-class readers.

And all the “low-class readers” will rejoice at your largess, bequeathing such a literary gift to them. I hereby nominate you as Humanitarian of the Year.