SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

62 notes

….While this is a literary novel, I believe it could appeal to low-class readers.

And all the “low-class readers” will rejoice at your largess, bequeathing such a literary gift to them. I hereby nominate you as Humanitarian of the Year.

17 notes

Dear Mr/Madam…

Thank you for recognizing and respecting the fact that I am, indeed, a  hermaphrodite.

18 notes

Dear Agent: You don’t shy away from gross stuff.  You don’t seem to be squeamish.  Perhaps you’d find a historical novel about cannibals to be of interest. 

Mom, you’ve already made it clear you don’t approve of my wife’s cooking. No need to be insulting.

25 notes

My writing coach told me that my novel is not yet ready to send to agents and needs more work. Could you read the attached sample chapters and tell me if you think she’s right?

I’d love to, but I’m terribly busy right now hitting myself in the head with a hammer.

61 notes

Dear Slushpile Hell Scum, you think you’re so funny. I wish I knew who you were so I could come mock you and everyone in your little circle of ugliness. I’ve written a fiction novel—a GREAT novel. Do you think I’ll ever submit my manuscript to a CLOWN like you, or ANY of your fellow clown literary agents for that matter? Think again. You’re missing out on MILLIONS of dollars here.

Dear Charlie Sheen, thanks for your email. Best of luck in all your future endeavors.

13 notes

WINNERS! So, yesterday you were all honorary literary agents for the day (my apologies), and your challenge was to come up with a response to this query:

Dear Sirs:
I know I am supposed to write an impressive perfect query letter to you. I don’t have that ability and I don’t have the time to learn about it.

Hundreds of responses on Twitter, most of which were along the lines of, “Thankfully, I have both the ability and time to write a perfect response to your query: FAIL.”

So, that being said, on to the winners of the query response contest, first the four runners-up, in no particular order:

  • Dear writer, I know I’m supposed to reject you without the use of profanity. I don’t have that ability nor the time to learn about it. (@Girl_Friday)
  • Dear writer, No worries. As there’s absolutely no competition in our business, there’s no need for you to have this skill. (@PetreaBurchard)
  • Dear writer, Fortunately, the ability to write and time to perfect your craft are no longer qualities we look for in our authors. (@bijouraconteur)
  • Dear writer, Impressive queries are for chumps. So are commas. I admire your efficiency. Expect my call tomorrow. (@RLNaquin)

And congratulations to the WINNER of the contest!:

  • Dear writer, Your novel concerning the apathetic and unskilled writer filled with ennui sounds perfect for my one depressed Lit-Fic slot. (@DrProfPatrick)

4 notes

CONTEST TIME! Come up with your own response to this brilliant query I received last week. Tweet your contest entry (be sure to use hashtag #slushpilehell). Winners announced on SlushPile Hell tomorrow!

Dear Sirs:
I know I am supposed to write an impressive perfect query letter to you. I don’t have that ability and I don’t have the time to learn about it.

39 notes

I write with the truth that is like a sword of two edges that can and will penetrate each reader and leave an impression lasting at least this life time.   The material written has power that can unite a planet for the good of mankind and earth.  It may well be the only true chance that mankind has for the long awaited evolution towards spirituality.

Dear Tom Cruise, we regret to inform you that our client list is full.

33 notes


Hello,

First a question..Why do agents not read the entire query to understand the full matter but take the short by erroneous assumption ? ?

You’re right. After a stunning, grammatically stellar opening sentence like that, it’s hard to believe we agents would take the “short by erroneous assumption.”

19 notes

I am seeking to sell my manuscript/novel to a conventional publishing house - Via representation by a fine literary agent/agency, hopefully you/yours. I am extremely pliable and open to input pertaining to re-stylization as needed. Including but not limited to revision(s) expertly suggested pertaining to content modification intent for purpose of enhanced marketability.

I/We regret to inform/notify/clue you in on the fact/truth that your manuscript is not up to the standard/level of competence I/we insist/require, and that no amount of re-stylization or content modification can save this from the dung/crap/poop heap.