SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

52 notes

I have contacted you as I wish to request two things of you.

1) If you could read and give me a review plus a rating on the basis of ‘5 stars’ about what you think of this book. (It is only 20 page long and takes less than 1 hour to read)

2)If you could guide and reference me towards finding the right publishing company that would launch this book worldwide.

Thanks for making this easy. Your 20-page book gets my review of 0.0009 stars! I laughed. I cried. I went for a long walk on the beach afterward to reflect on my mortality. I don’t want to be hasty in suggesting the right publishing company. I’ll get back to you on that.

77 notes

I want find US Literary Agencies. I want make this Movie publishing in the world. I want find Distributor or Publicist & People to Investment. After any profit give me 20% that if agree they can make and publishing. Please inform detail when if start made movie. 

I want alcoholic drink.

80 notes

First of all, I must warn you that I am violating your rules of submission….

Stop right there. I must warn you that as of this moment you’re dead to me.

59 notes

I have read or glanced through some of the books you have agented over the last few years and we are impressed by the quality and focus of some of them whose lines and harmonics challenge the descriptive resources of language. It appears to us that your publishing focus has a different angle, which does not consider the book purely as an object, a physical construct of paper, cardboard, cloth, ink and glue.

Dear Mom and Dad, you were right. I should have been a doctor.

143 notes

Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth.

Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.

32 notes

I hope all is well with your business, nowadays. Indeed, books & media are an economic past-time today so I expect you are taking advantage of that angle of the biz.

Oh, trust me. We’re taking FULL advantage of that angle of the biz….Wait, what are we talking about?

55 notes

I feel my book would be perfect for Penguin, Random House, or Simon & Schuster. Can you tell me whether you have good contacts at those publishers?

Sorry, I’ve never heard of those publishers.

34 notes

To whom it may concern: it is an honor to contact your world famous literary agency.

Aw shucks. I wouldn’t say we’re world famous, But we are certainly famous within our own minds. And that’s what really matters.

63 notes

I am searching for a literary agent. I know nothing about publishing, other than I have always held the belief that one should get paid for what one has written. This is a rough draft, in need of some editing. As I understand it, that is what you do.

Just a few more hours until holiday break.