SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

62 notes

I am searching for a literary agent. I know nothing about publishing, other than I have always held the belief that one should get paid for what one has written. This is a rough draft, in need of some editing. As I understand it, that is what you do.

Just a few more hours until holiday break.

29 notes

I took the liberty and sent you my 446 word precis a few minutes ago. Enclosed is my 10 page pitch. Please have a read of it. Mystery-adventure story, suspense, a drama. Commercial ficiton and literary fiction.The story has an intelligence to it. Mr. Netanyahu needs to read this novel, to be truthful. He could learn a few things.The world…could learn a few things. There isn’t a book on the market like it out there. Not in the last year or the last five years. The last 20 years.

I’ve taken the liberty of sending your manuscript to Netanyahu. I’m sure it will move to the top of his reading list, right past 10 Easy Steps to World Peace.

63 notes

Hello, agents.  This e-mail announces an auction of two blockbuster suspense thriller manuscripts.  Both of these copyrighted manuscripts are easily compatible with novel, screenplay of other formats.  The winner of this auction will own the rights to pursue these manuscripts in any format—novel, movie, interactive video game story, TV, etc., in every nation on the Earth.  That is a potential market in the billions.

You’re auctioning your manuscripts to agents? Since no author in the history of publishing has tried that approach, that should go really well.

63 notes

Hello. I’ve queried more than 50 other agents with this and have gotten nowhere. Now I’m querying you.

You had me at hello.

49 notes

Hello. Say me what you’re thinking about my new book: the question is what’s going on????

Thank you.

New book suck. On going you????  Welcome.

52 notes

I have attached my manuscript to this email in WordPerfect format, which I’m assuming is okay with you.

Um, the ’80s called. They want their software back.

168 notes

SlushPile Hell held a contest on Twitter back in 2010 for Worst Children’s Book…Ever. We had more than 1200 entries, because apparently people have nothing better to do than dream up hilarious children’s book titles. Well, just because these entries and winners still bring me a chuckle and help me forget the daily horror that is my life, I figured it was time to repost them. Here is the winner and the top 25 list.

Our WINNER was:  @MJsRetweetDaddy Has an Itch. Mommy Smells Like Fish: A Child’s Rhyming Guide to STD’s  Congrats to @MJsRetweet!

And here are the rest of the Top 25 WORST CHILDREN’S BOOKS…EVER, in no particular order:

@SmolderingInk:  The Best Things to Drink Are under the Sink

@LynetteCurtis: Toy Story 3: Buzz Gets a Woody

@harleymaywrites:  Is Angelina My Mommy?

@C_Spaghetti:  Where the Wild Thongs Are

@Janet_Reid:  The Smith & Wesson Coloring Book for Kids

@AVgrl:  Ashley Has Two Daddies, and They’re Both Going to Burn in Hell

@KateHaggard:  Dismemberment Donny Needs A Hand

@SarahEGlenn:  The Secret Pot Garden

@Smolderingink:  Princess Poledancer And The Twirly Tassle Gang

@Prettyandi:  Santa Clause, The Tooth Fairy & The Easter Bunny: Just The Beginning of a Lifetime of Lies

@Shelltex:  Math Will Make You Ugly

@Juniperjenny:  The Magical World beneath the Tarp on the Pool

@Thericeman: All Alone with the Internet: A Choose Your Own Adventure Story

@MJsRetweet: The Fog in the Looking Glass (and Other Ways to Find Out if Grandma’s Still with Us)

@alc417: A Buzzing in the Night: Why Your Wii Control’s Batteries Are Gone

@FrozenGlitter: It’s Not that Grandpa Doesn’t Love You, He Just Loves Drinking More

@jjdebenedictis: You Don’t Need to Think When You’re Pretty

@KarlShoemaker:  Furious George Gets Cut Off on the Freeway

@Tobywneal:  Why Do Grandma’s Boobies Touch Her Waist? (And Other Questions Not to Ask Out Loud)

@SarahEGlenn:  You’re Not There, God. It’s Me, Christopher Hitchens

@GeneDoucette:  Rachel Has Seven Mommies: A Children’s Guide to the Book of Mormon

@Saraheolson: Things We Can’t Afford because Your Father Left Us

@EliasSerulle:  One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Mercury Poisoning

@LynneKelly:  Frog And Toad Are Friends with Benefits

56 notes

As a realist I understand that personal feelings must always take a back seat to profit. With that in mind, I am writing various agencies searching for one and only one agent whom I feel comfortable working with. 

One and only one agent? Sorry, not interested. I work only with authors who want a team of agents representing them. We call ourselves the Evil League Of Agents, and our nefarious plan for world domination is coming along quite nicely, thank you.