SlushPile Hell

I intend to secure an A-list actress for my trilogy of books, specifically Keira Knightley. I intend to send Keira $150,000 to read my first two books and the synopsis for the third book. I intend to retain an entertainment lawyer to represent us, and said lawyer would write a contract for Keira Knightley and send the $150,000 via her agency. If Keira Knightley likes the books and agrees to take the role within our time frame, then she keeps the $. If not, she returns the $.

I have a better idea. Send me $150,000 to read your first two books. If I like the books, I’ll keep the $. If I don’t like the books, I’ll still keep the $, but occasionally I’ll have pangs of guilt over it.

I am seeking representation I’ve been writing short stories since I was 19 I am 25 now, And I feel like it’s time to go pro. I’ve have a collection of short stories I have children’s book of 5 short stories. One that I truly believe can be a best seller. I also have an adult book of 10 erotic stories.

Bingo! Finally, an author who gets it. If there’s one thing that publishers are desperately looking for these days, it’s children’s book authors who also write erotica. (Note to self: contact E.L. James to tell her about my goldmine idea for a 50 Shades of Grey coloring book.)

I am looking for an agent to represent me in selling my ideas to publishing companies that are looking for investments. I hope children can read my stories and smile at the honest nature in which it is told. They would be a good inclusions on many bookshelf’s because the stories send positive messages. These books are many things, such as, fun to read, humorous, touches on sensitive issues, and are relevant to today. 

And as a bonus, they’re full of grammatical errors that astute kids can discover and laugh about with their friends.

I have written, to my knowledge, the funniest book known to man. The problem is that I have to convince you to read it. Once you do read it, and are able to stop laughing, I am confident you will contact me immediately, desperate to represent me before anyone else does. Good luck. The clock is ticking.

Hurray. 2013 is here. Praying for the sweet release of death this year.

I just want my script to be read. I personally think that it’s pretty much the best screenplay ever written, but I may be biased. I have had some peers and fellow writers read it, and they all think that it’s good, albeit most aren’t as enthusiastic about it as I am. I’ll be 20 quite soon, so there’s no rush on this, but a little rush would be just fine. 

In the spirit of Christmas, God bless your pointy little head.

i need help, i know the story that i have was never made before and it can be easily used for Holly Wood movie production. i have given a few copies to different people and had have great feed backs yet in order to get the book known to the world any author needs an agent. i read the information mentioned about you on the page and im pretty sure you totally know what you do.

Thanks for your vote of confidence, but actually, I’ve never really been able to figure out what I do. I know it has something to do with books … or chickens … no, it’s definitely books. I think.

I am a conservative estimator. I strongly believe that our next book will sell 100,000 if not a million copies. So my task at the moment is to find the right agent.  I know the difference and at this point you will just have to take that as a leap of faith.

Yes, please do take a leap.

I have a 10,000 word manuscript which i would like to have published. I am trying to find an agent. My goal is to write a sequel to the book. What are my odds of finding an agent?

About the same as E.L. James’s odds of being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.

I am sorry to bother you with this but I have read a lot of opinions, Q&A, and writhing websites that still leave me scratching my head. I’m no literary master and I did not use a ghost writer, I just sat behind my PC and wrote my heart’s off.

What i want to ask is, when I find an Agent, then what? When do I pay the agent?

First of all, you are a literary master. No doubt about it. So stop selling yourself short. Second, I’m glad I haven’t stumbled upon any writhing websites. Sounds like hell. Third, you pay the agent when you send your query letter. So once I receive your payment, preferably in small, untraceable bills, I will be happy to respond to your query.

Dear Submissions Analyst, I hope you enjoy my book.

Submissions Analyst? Everyone knows I stopped referring to myself as that years ago. I now prefer Submissions Proctologist. Now please bend over, as I prepare to examine your manuscript.