SlushPile Hell

One grumpy literary agent and a sea of query fails

111 notes

Readers of Eat, Pray, Love, Twilight, Tuesdays with Morrie,  and The Da Vinci Code will love my book.

You left out readers of Moby Dick, The Koran, and cereal boxes.

179 notes

Dear guys:
This letter is sent to most members of the AAR [Association of Author’s Representatives] simultaneously and equally because I have no time to care about everyone too deeper now.I won’t mind if you don’t reply because this letter doesn’t folloe some of yourself’s fancy principles,like a great book may means different to different ones,but I still wonder your attitude.Here are parts of my manuscript below,please reply at once if you wonder,there’s no more waiting after a week.

Kids, today I’m going to tell you about the glamorous world of being a literary agent. Get ready, because it is everything you’ve ever dreamed of and more.

118 notes

I created a 59-volume sex book that contains not only my experience but all the substantive knowledge any human being could possibly think up. My Superbook will be the biggest sex book ever created in human history.

Dear President Clinton, we regret to inform you that we’ve decided to pass.

53 notes

We received this award a couple days ago from Writer’s Digest magazine. So apparently we don’t suck as much as we thought.

We received this award a couple days ago from Writer’s Digest magazine. So apparently we don’t suck as much as we thought.

139 notes

My novel is actually an instructional booklet for peace for world peace, in the form of a novel, in the form of a mystery, adventure, suspense novel. A drama.

And this is a rejection letter, in the form of a letter of rejection.

53 notes

I have contacted you as I wish to request two things of you.

1) If you could read and give me a review plus a rating on the basis of ‘5 stars’ about what you think of this book. (It is only 20 page long and takes less than 1 hour to read)

2)If you could guide and reference me towards finding the right publishing company that would launch this book worldwide.

Thanks for making this easy. Your 20-page book gets my review of 0.0009 stars! I laughed. I cried. I went for a long walk on the beach afterward to reflect on my mortality. I don’t want to be hasty in suggesting the right publishing company. I’ll get back to you on that.

81 notes

I want find US Literary Agencies. I want make this Movie publishing in the world. I want find Distributor or Publicist & People to Investment. After any profit give me 20% that if agree they can make and publishing. Please inform detail when if start made movie. 

I want alcoholic drink.

86 notes

First of all, I must warn you that I am violating your rules of submission….

Stop right there. I must warn you that as of this moment you’re dead to me.

61 notes

I have read or glanced through some of the books you have agented over the last few years and we are impressed by the quality and focus of some of them whose lines and harmonics challenge the descriptive resources of language. It appears to us that your publishing focus has a different angle, which does not consider the book purely as an object, a physical construct of paper, cardboard, cloth, ink and glue.

Dear Mom and Dad, you were right. I should have been a doctor.

155 notes

Greetings agent. I have written the most important book on earth.

Will someone, for the love of God, please kill me.