SlushPile Hell

In my trophy cabinet there are yet to be literary awards of excellence. What is there is an epic...

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:50:20 -0400

In my trophy cabinet there are yet to be literary awards of excellence. What is there is an epic quest born simply of unquenchable wonder and amazement.

You have an epic quest in your trophy cabinet? I can top that. In my wardrobe, I have an unforgettable journey into a land called Narnia.

Greetings, dear agent. It is a pleasure to connect with others who admire the written word as I...

Wed, 08 May 2013 14:17:31 -0400

Greetings, dear agent. It is a pleasure to connect with others who admire the written word as I do.

Oh quite the opposite. There are a lot of written words I absolutely abhor.

As your website states, you represent both fantasy and romance, some I am sending you my manuscript...

Tue, 30 Apr 2013 09:11:35 -0400

As your website states, you represent both fantasy and romance, some I am sending you my manuscript that would fit into both of those genres.

Actually, my site pretty clearly states that I don’t represent either fantasy or romance. But thanks for wasting a few minutes of my time. I appreciate it. Maybe you can send me your haiku next time.

Please. Please turn my novels into money. I possess a supreme talent. And I am no fool; I see how...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 08:36:10 -0400

Please. Please turn my novels into money. I possess a supreme talent. And I am no fool; I see how this has to be. With the right team behind me I could revolutionize literature and show consumers how there is still such a thing as soul in this soulless nation.

I, too, possess a supreme talent. I am able to read dozens of ill-conceived query letters each week without my head bursting into flames.

Now for weeks I’d tell you this is surely the last manuscript I am sending you (I truly...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 10:26:00 -0400

Now for weeks I’d tell you this is surely the last manuscript I am sending you (I truly thought so) but God said last night I was wrong because we had not reached seven (God’s perfect number), well now we have I have attached manuscript number 17, focus on the seven not one and also it has seven chapters.

Dude, go ahead and write the other 760 manuscripts. We all know that’s where this is heading.

I need cooperation in aspect of proper editing, publishing to meet up good quality as well in...

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 10:03:42 -0400

I need cooperation in aspect of proper editing, publishing to meet up good quality as well in marketing. I will so much expect your organization could consider my request to gain out of your quality and efficiency service. A quick respond from yours will be much appreciate for both of us to have breakdown.

I’m already in the midst of a breakdown. Thank you very much.

Dear agent, how are you? The Lord spoke to me again and instructed me to give you a continuation of...

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 09:07:01 -0400

Dear agent, how are you? The Lord spoke to me again and instructed me to give you a continuation of the last manuscript I sent you. I did not mean to be a burden I know I said it the last time but I’ll say it again SORRY, I know I’m giving a lot of unnecessary work stay blessed. Check your attachment box.

The Lord really is getting on my nerves.

Dear agent, how are you sir? Its Prophet xxxxxx here. I’d like you to take a look at the...

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 10:06:22 -0400

Dear agent, how are you sir? Its Prophet xxxxxx here. I’d like you to take a look at the manuscript I’ve attached to this e mail. In case you were wondering this is the twelfth I’ve sent you and I’d like us to stop here for now to allow you to work. In the not distant future if you would love to continue working with me then we will.

Reason number 965 SlushPile Hell readers should be looking at my life and saying, “But for the grace of God, there go I.”

Hi, I am seeking a literary agent to assist me with getting my book published with a major book...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 09:28:48 -0500

Hi, I am seeking a literary agent to assist me with getting my book published with a major book company. My ultimate goal is to have my book published with one of the major book publishing companies, along to get my book into the major stores and bookstores. So my goal is to find a major book company.

You know what you should do? Find a major book company.

In addition to great press for the publishing brand and terrific book sales, the publisher and I...

Tue, 12 Feb 2013 11:59:08 -0500

In addition to great press for the publishing brand and terrific book sales, the publisher and I would be doing truly good works; the kind “Creator, Universe, God, Love” tends to smile upon.

I just spoke with “Creator, Universe, God, Love” to make sure you’re right. Not getting a good response. I think the Big Guy is still in a bad mood after watching the Grammys a couple nights ago. Frank Ocean’s performance made him lose a little more hope in humanity.

Dear agent, it’s xxxx here, the guy who sent you seven manuscripts recently. Listen I just...

Tue, 05 Feb 2013 08:43:07 -0500

Dear agent, it’s xxxx here, the guy who sent you seven manuscripts recently. Listen I just finished another one. And note it has 19 chapters not ten after the tenth I skipped a page by mistake. Sir you are in control. do what you always do I won’t pester you. GET READY TO BE BLOWN BY THIS WORK!

You really had me hooked until the last line. I consulted with my wife, and while she’s a very loving, supportive agent’s wife, she’s not cool with this. Sorry.

I intend to secure an A-list actress for my trilogy of books, specifically Keira Knightley. I...

Mon, 28 Jan 2013 10:14:56 -0500

I intend to secure an A-list actress for my trilogy of books, specifically Keira Knightley. I intend to send Keira $150,000 to read my first two books and the synopsis for the third book. I intend to retain an entertainment lawyer to represent us, and said lawyer would write a contract for Keira Knightley and send the $150,000 via her agency. If Keira Knightley likes the books and agrees to take the role within our time frame, then she keeps the $. If not, she returns the $.

I have a better idea. Send me $150,000 to read your first two books. If I like the books, I’ll keep the $. If I don’t like the books, I’ll still keep the $, but occasionally I’ll have pangs of guilt over it.

I am seeking representation I’ve been writing short stories since I was 19 I am 25 now, And I...

Wed, 23 Jan 2013 08:25:52 -0500

I am seeking representation I’ve been writing short stories since I was 19 I am 25 now, And I feel like it’s time to go pro. I’ve have a collection of short stories I have children’s book of 5 short stories. One that I truly believe can be a best seller. I also have an adult book of 10 erotic stories.

Bingo! Finally, an author who gets it. If there’s one thing that publishers are desperately looking for these days, it’s children’s book authors who also write erotica. (Note to self: contact E.L. James to tell her about my goldmine idea for a 50 Shades of Grey coloring book.)

I am looking for an agent to represent me in selling my ideas to publishing companies that are...

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 08:54:48 -0500

I am looking for an agent to represent me in selling my ideas to publishing companies that are looking for investments. I hope children can read my stories and smile at the honest nature in which it is told. They would be a good inclusions on many bookshelf’s because the stories send positive messages. These books are many things, such as, fun to read, humorous, touches on sensitive issues, and are relevant to today.

And as a bonus, they’re full of grammatical errors that astute kids can discover and laugh about with their friends.

I have written, to my knowledge, the funniest book known to man. The problem is that I have to...

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 10:31:00 -0500

I have written, to my knowledge, the funniest book known to man. The problem is that I have to convince you to read it. Once you do read it, and are able to stop laughing, I am confident you will contact me immediately, desperate to represent me before anyone else does. Good luck. The clock is ticking.

Hurray. 2013 is here. Praying for the sweet release of death this year.

I just want my script to be read. I personally think that it’s pretty much the best...

Mon, 17 Dec 2012 08:35:48 -0500

I just want my script to be read. I personally think that it’s pretty much the best screenplay ever written, but I may be biased. I have had some peers and fellow writers read it, and they all think that it’s good, albeit most aren’t as enthusiastic about it as I am. I’ll be 20 quite soon, so there’s no rush on this, but a little rush would be just fine.

In the spirit of Christmas, God bless your pointy little head.

i need help, i know the story that i have was never made before and it can be easily used for Holly...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 09:08:22 -0500

i need help, i know the story that i have was never made before and it can be easily used for Holly Wood movie production. i have given a few copies to different people and had have great feed backs yet in order to get the book known to the world any author needs an agent. i read the information mentioned about you on the page and im pretty sure you totally know what you do.

Thanks for your vote of confidence, but actually, I’ve never really been able to figure out what I do. I know it has something to do with books … or chickens … no, it’s definitely books. I think.

I am a conservative estimator. I strongly believe that our next book will sell 100,000 if not a...

Mon, 03 Dec 2012 10:40:28 -0500

I am a conservative estimator. I strongly believe that our next book will sell 100,000 if not a million copies. So my task at the moment is to find the right agent. I know the difference and at this point you will just have to take that as a leap of faith.

Yes, please do take a leap.

I have a 10,000 word manuscript which i would like to have published. I am trying to find an agent....

Mon, 19 Nov 2012 10:12:51 -0500

I have a 10,000 word manuscript which i would like to have published. I am trying to find an agent. My goal is to write a sequel to the book. What are my odds of finding an agent?

About the same as E.L. James’s odds of being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature.

I am sorry to bother you with this but I have read a lot of opinions, Q&A, and writhing...

Mon, 12 Nov 2012 08:41:00 -0500

I am sorry to bother you with this but I have read a lot of opinions, Q&A, and writhing websites that still leave me scratching my head. I’m no literary master and I did not use a ghost writer, I just sat behind my PC and wrote my heart’s off.

What i want to ask is, when I find an Agent, then what? When do I pay the agent?

First of all, you are a literary master. No doubt about it. So stop selling yourself short. Second, I’m glad I haven’t stumbled upon any writhing websites. Sounds like hell. Third, you pay the agent when you send your query letter. So once I receive your payment, preferably in small, untraceable bills, I will be happy to respond to your query.